Autism Lens Writings
this is my diary page!! ill never put any explicitly triggering content in here but sometimes i may be sad and thats ok!
mood: sickly
watching: grocery shopping videos
Well obviously I've been gone for a while. I've had a hard time coping with stress and my health. And as if things couldnt give me a break covid tore through my house. I'm the last to catch it and thankfully its not unmanageable since i am sick in these ways often. I am lucky to not have any complications and am grateful for the vaccines for that. Anyways I've been drawing a lot and writing some and I am going to get back on here gradually adding nice things. I'm going to be posting little articles about my months watches on youtube. I know no one will care but its neat to me. Anywhoodle. Hope youre well!
love,margie
mood: bad
watching: wayne play happys humble
Things are just not going my way this week and im stressed and stressed and more stressed. I'm only writing this diary to share that due to my discovery my lifespan may be shortened I made a bucket list of what I want to do before I die. You can read it here.
love,
margie
mood: mixed
reading: moominvalley in november
So my outlook on things have been greatly faltering between hopeful and bleak. I recently discovered I may have a neurological disorder and the ones my doctor discussed with me will shorten my lifespan dramatically. I am trying to be positive and hope I get a diagnosis that is not those. But I don't want to inflate my head with complete denial. So I have been putting thought and admittedly tears into what to do with the rest of my life. Even if I do find out I'm not dying in a few years I still want to do things I want to with my life. I've decided where my stuff goes, how I want to be memorialized, where I want to spend the rest of my days, and what to do while I still can. I want this site to be something I leave behind for everyone so I'm feeling more motivated to work on it. Unfortunately I also have severe fall risk and some other really embarrassing issues I cant bring myself to say to people I'm not close to. I'm not going to be telling my family or really most people at all. Not even some of my friends know and I think its safe to say no one probably reads my diaries. However I want to write this anyways. For me I guess. Or for my husband. Because he is the only thing keeping me together for as long as I've known him. And even the worst case scenario I will endure and live as full as I can because of him. He is my entire world and the only reason I know love. I've been trapped with my abusive parents for so long the very thought of finally escaping with him is absolute bliss regardless of my lifespan. Fuck my lifespan my lovespan is huge. I'm just going to keep reading and cooking and loving until we find out. And as for you, I hope you are all well.
love,margie
mood: relaxed
reading: howl's moving castle
I have been really reflecting lately on my blessings and the good health I do have lately. I really relish the things I can do always/most times and even on the bad days I am glad to just be alive and know love and beauty. I finally got my library fee paid off (it accumulated because covid) and I feel amazing going in there again. Its like a little safe haven for me. I think I will go there more often again. Not as much as I once was able bodied enough to but some is better than none. I am excited to start reading again and have a long list of to be read books. Right now I am reading Howl's moving castle because I heard Lettie is more prominent in it. I also am going to be starting over Shirley Daamsgard's Abby and Ophelia mystery series. Its very very good but I cant remember which book I left off on so I'm starting over. I'm going to put holds on some Tove Jansson books and some Beatrix Potter related things. I also was going to reread Ali Brandon's Words With Fiends book but I found out it's not even the first book in the series so I have to return it and put a hold on the first one. I've also been working on two novels going between the two. One's a fantasy retelling of living in an unsafe home and finding small reasons to live. One is me discovering I can legally write a very mild and cozy mystery series about if John and Sherlock had retired from crime and medicine to open a bakery and were also Beatrix Potter like anthromorphic cute animals. Which is hilarious. The crimes will all be silly like the neighbors spoon going missing and Sherlock making a huge deal out of nothing. Anywhoodles I've finally reached another spot of medical content where I can be active on my website again. And I am overall very happy and lucky. I hope you are all well!
love,margie
mood: blessed
watching: moomins still :o)
I finally after years got approved for food assistance. I'll not have to starve anymore and I feel so so blessed. I definitely deserve this break. I really do. Things wont be as hard anymore. Thats for sure. I have been watching so much moomin and have simply become consumed. Its amazing and so is Tove and my autistic brain hasnt been so pleased in a very long time. It even inspired me to start writing again. I've been working on my tabletop series and a very nice to write book. I drew so much the past few weeks even though I had to quit artfight for multiple art theft issues. Its all been moomin themed and related to my book. I havent felt so inspired and happy in years. I deserve to enjoy life and finally despite all I still must weather through I finally am. I cant wait to continue enjoying and creating. I hope youre all well!
love,margie
mood: relief
watching: moomin 90s show
My grandmother visited this week. Shes absolutely the devil. She'll finally be gone in the morning and we'll never see her again. And thank the lord for it. Our rooms a mess and life is as it usually is, but I feel I have finally reached another stepping stone of well deserved content. And thats what life is about to me. I appealed my disability decision and applied for assistance while I wait. So those things are off my chest. I still have to make and attend many appointments. But I am not so worried with it right now. In recent weeks we've been helping heal an alter of ours that had been targeted by a past abuser and it seems to be going along great. I've been a little careless with remembering to take my medicine as well. But I always come back around to organizing it again. I've accepted some hard truths in the past few months that may never not weigh heavy on my heart but I wont let it occupy my mind any longer. I deserve to exist and be loved and there is beauty and reason in the world. Today I saw a pure white cate laying in a field of blue chicory flowers. My favorites. I have been drawing so much lately. And I've been enjoying myself often. Its the little things that keep me here. And I appreciate them all. I feel relief I truly do. I hope youre all well.
love,margie
mood: great!
watching: rewatching all the monster factorys!
I have been a little absent from my site for a week or so because I was dealing with some home stress. Not that I'm not always dealing with home stress xD We just had to do a lot of moving things around. I have been pretty motivated despite it all. I haven't dropped out of artfight yet and am enjoying myself immensely. I also have been working on the bare bones of my tabletop game and when I'm done proofing it over to make sure it all works I'm going to post it and a generic campaign for it. I'm hoping my friend and fiance will test it out with me as well. Its a cutesy tabletop with a focus on making fighting optional. It will be puzzle based and co-op based. I discovered this week what my favorite flower is! Its Chicory flowers! They make me smile. I also made my first self insert ever. She's very cute I will share my art of her and Sundrop below. I think I'm going to have a honey bun and make dinner! Hope ur all well!!
love,margie
mood: :o)
watching: jermas dumb ass green screen stream
Things have been up and down as usual but tonight I am feeling okay and positive. i havent streamed really since the incident but its okay. ive been enjoying music a lot lately. and im really looking forward to finishing stranger things tonight. ive been feeling really happy with being alive because i love my spouse. hope ur well too
love,margie
mood: off
listening to: loneliness by ginger root
I've been feeling a lot better lately and not feeling negative and alone. I did have a bad experience today that triggered my cptsd but I'm taking care of myself. I know I'm gonna be okay I'm just feeling low and bad about myself. I'm gonna work more on here and am happy to have over 500 views love yall. Hope youre all well.
love,margie
mood: happy
watching: bug's bday stream
i have had a very bad past week with being denied and then letting it take hold of me mentally. i ended up forgetting my meds for a long time and had several breakdowns. but now i am feeling very positive and determined. going to maybe finish paradise killer and review it. also been watching alf with my spouse. things are going to get better. thats all there is to it.
love,margie
mood: blue
today has been a very mixed feelings day. i am trying to be positive and keep happy but i was denied disability despite having autism and physical disabilities im not comfortable sharing. i was not surprised because my state has one of the highest denial rates in the whole country. 70% of ppl get denied whether they literally have disabilities or not. the wait time is also extended since the pandemic. theres an incredibly good video on disability in the world and how its not taken seriously by governments and even people. i'll link it below. i got to spend time socializing with my best friend today and it made me happy. but i keep remembering im denied and get sad. im determined to fight it and do everything i can for us to get care but its still sad. this website is a great distraction and i enjoy working on it and looking at others sites. i know things will get better.
margie